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Post by Admin on Aug 7, 2023 8:01:31 GMT
I need to start cashing in like everyone else.
I've walked a straight line my whole life, followed the rules, 'work makes you noble'...ye right.
What a sucker I've been.
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Post by Admin on Aug 7, 2023 8:06:55 GMT
I feel like I've been neutered. This pic is in memory of a house plant I used to tend to, that my neighbor gave me when they moved. It survived for many seasons, but reached it's end, and I was kind of sad. Up to that point, I never considered a plant to be a pet, but this one I did. So I took a picture of it and memorialized it. I was probably drunk, but so what.
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Post by Admin on Aug 16, 2023 12:27:03 GMT
When I first awakened this morning and layed in bed, I was the poster grape of 'The living dead', in that sure, I was conscious and awake, but on the inside I felt totally dead, no emotions, no good time refreshed morning feeling or feelings, no, instead I was just 'there' in the moment.
Like being dead, but alive.
I realize now there's many different levels to be alive, other than just bodily functions.
To truly be alive you have to have many things going right at once, relationships, good ones, hope, desire, dreams, aspirations, delight, joy, and more.
I woke up this morning with none of those.
But I think I know why, it's from years of turning to alcohol to give me the above emotions, and now that have stopped drinking regularly, those natural emotions aren't readily there for me, yet.
But this time I'm determined to get them back by not drinking...it's a waiting and time and health thing.
Whether addicted to alcohol or drugs, it's the fact that people can't wait it out long enough for their natural feelings and emotions to come back, that so many relapse, cause it's no fun feeling like 'the living dead'.
I'll be OK, I just need time.
And actually I do feel a bit better now, I mean just writing about stuff really does help, it's like having a friend to confide in.
But for now, coffee and or tea will do, or both.
It's my last full day off, I need to make the most of this time, maybe an early or mid morning drive to a few stores, get it out the way before the heat comes out.
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Post by Admin on Aug 29, 2023 11:47:49 GMT
I hid away from the world yesterday.
I pretty much stayed in bed all day, and turned phone off.
I hid from the world yesterday, partly cause I felt not so good after a day of drinking.
One thing about me is I'm still here cause I don't stress self out.
Males tend to die sooner than females cause many males feel obliged to stress self out, whether over a family, wife, girlfriend, job, war, gangs, you name it...well, at my age, I don't feel the need to stress self out.
I'm alone, have always been alone, therefore nothing worth stressing out for, or no one, or at least no one in my life at the moment.
No one helps me out, no one. No one pays my bills, my rent, no one.
As such, I have to preserve self while here and alive.
All this 'be a man' type of BS, that means nothing to me when in the fight alone.
At my age, I'm not trying to be a man or a woman, I'm just trying to survive, and part of surviving means not stressing self or body out.
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Post by Admin on Aug 29, 2023 11:50:05 GMT
About to turn my phone on, which will allow hell to pour into my space.
Everything is useless to me cause no one helps me, ever, not in the past, not now.
Therefore all information from others adds stress, but never any relief.
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Post by Admin on Oct 1, 2023 5:35:03 GMT
Sometimes I go to bed at night, or during the dark part of early morning, feeling so incomplete on the inside, like there's more I should do, as if trying to squeeze as much out of my awake time as I can.
Cause once you let the day go, it's gone forever, and you're one day closer to being gone forever, as well.
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Post by Admin on Nov 3, 2023 12:11:26 GMT
I feel old this morning, coming off of a long shift yesterday and getting back late.
In two more days, right after work, short nights rest, then gotta wake up and catch a flight.
I was very dumb to book a flight the morning after coming off of a long shift...what was I thinking?
I wasn't, I was drunk, and now will be paying the reaper of dumb decisions.
All I can do is carry myself through it, people have faced worse, but then again, I don't like comparing situations to situations, sometimes it helps when younger to do that, but when get older 'It is what it is', and one persons burdens may not be another.
One persons stress may not be another persons stress, everyone copes differently.
Everyone's mental/physical capacity to handle a situation is different.
And at my age, stress can kill or make you ill, so ye, the mind has a lot to do with it, and is why so many take prescribed drugs, to boost moral when needed....I don't. (but I do drink when home, alone, and not working, at times)...either way, one day, we're all going to pass away.
Anyways, gotta get on with this grey day.
(it's the morning, what do you expect)
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Post by Admin on Nov 23, 2023 15:44:39 GMT
Sometimes I'm glad that I wake up to know one, cause in the morning, when I look at self in the mirror, ugg, sometimes I look so ugly to self  Seems the older you get, the uglier you look to self when you wake up. I couldn't imagine waking up in bed with another, and then them seeing my face first thing in the morning, and or maybe me theirs as well. Do couples even still sleep in the same bedroom anymore? That seems so old fashion. I think seperate bedrooms are the best, that way before you see each other in the morning you're refreshed.
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Post by Admin on Nov 28, 2023 13:29:31 GMT
Once again, I wake up into a world I feel I no longer have a part in, like a place holder now, fill like I'm just here filling space, but for whom and what.
My dreams are no longer accessible, maybe they never were, but now like I believe that they aren't.
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Post by Admin on Nov 28, 2023 13:31:07 GMT
I've been chasing 'good' all my life, well, for a change, I need 'good' to for once find and or chase me.
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Post by Admin on Dec 4, 2023 11:43:49 GMT
The older you get, the less you start caring about whether other people like you are not.
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Post by Admin on Jan 23, 2024 11:45:52 GMT
Life isn't scary, it's people who are scary.
That being said, because the world is filled with scary people, things certainly seem uncertain for me right now, out of balance.
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Post by Admin on Feb 3, 2024 13:10:49 GMT
It almost seems, feels, like torture to have to get up and go to work after a certain age.
It is torture.
Especially with all the money our Gov wastes on other nations, illegals and ect.
After a certain age, you just shouldn't have to work in the U.S., if have worked your whole life and a natural citizen.
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Post by Admin on Apr 11, 2024 8:50:16 GMT
It's like still dark type of morning time out, but I'm just not falling asleep this dark early morning.
Been unemployed for a bit now, almost 2 months.
Things have changed in my life.
I've paid for a class, that will put me around production type people, hopefully.
Not drinking as much, at least as of late.
I got a new cool Challenger (used)...finally.
But I don't feel any cooler, if anything I worry someone will steal it at night.
I don't know, just going through a different phase in life right now.
And when this phase is over, not sure what, if anything, lays ahead, other than death.
Sounds grim...I guess that's why religion matters to so many cause the belief in a after life takes the fear of death away for many...doesn't make them act any better while alive.
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Sometimes, being sober, as in not having booze in your system, can seem as or more trippy than being drunk, only without the hangover.
Now that not working, I'd like to try some legal weed, lol, but I don't know anyone who does that stuff.
People smoking weed all around me, and I don't know a single person who does it, cause I have no friends...
Hell, I don't even have enemies, as far as that goes....cause usually or enemies are your former friends.
Yep, you gotta have friends before you can have enemies.
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Anyways, just trying to bleed off some thoughts here in the early dark moment.
The only evidence that I'm even alive is by me writing down stuff while I am alive.
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Post by Admin on Apr 19, 2024 13:30:02 GMT
I'm still here, going to get up and go walk in the park.
So much has changed in my life over the last few months.
Not sure if I like it or not.
Not sure if I'm up to it.
I've complicated my life way more than I probably should have by going back to school, film school.
Not sure if school is the right name for it, more like a film course.
Means lots of reading, learning, assignments, hmm, if could do it again, I wouldn't...would of stuck with first plan of just becoming a hermit.
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