50+ blog, journal and thoughts

I spoke with a man older than me, probably early 70's, they met Grace jones, and other super stars of the 60's and 70's, they've done this, done that, and more, yet at the end of the day, now they're old, and seeking a roommate to share place with...what happened?

They use to own a club also.

Is their fate all of ours now?

That regardless what we did in life, in the end we still just end up broke, seeking a roommate, just like when we got out of highschool?

Wow, what a future to look forward to.

You shouldn't apologize to yourself for feeling lonely, and or when feeling lonely effects your behavior and actions...cause the only cure to lonliness is not to be lonely

Guns, owning a gun, does not make me feel safe, here's why

Owning a gun doesn't make me feel safe, never really has, here's why.

To me, if ever in a situation where you have to use a gun, at least in a urban area, than you're already pretty much doomed...why?
1. Court date, now your name, address, smeared all over official Gov records, anyone can look you up, especially those looking for revenge.

If I ever shot someone, even if they broke into my place, then what?
I'd have to move instantly, I could never sleep in said place again, I'd feel way to paranoid, as if their homeboys were waiting for me outside.
My life would be ruined, or have to change dramatically.

I mean it's one thing if use a gun for protection, and live out in the woods, where no one could come around, you have barking dogs, ect, but when live in an urban area, in an apartment, it's different, cause everyone knows where you live now.

Not only that, but what if you're found to have acted to aggressively?
Now you could go to jail, especially if a minority or black adult male, where cops haul you to jail first, ask questions later.
If you're a black adult male using a gun for self-defense, cops will just assume you're a gangster or ect, they're not going to listen, they're going to take you to jail...
So what if you're single, have no one to pay bail, no one to pay your rent, your bills, you'd lose everything.

I'd almost rather be shot at, hit, and survive, than to shoot another in self-defense, and slowly watch my life fall apart.

I guess the best defense for me so far, is to simply remain very low key, and extra careful about who I invite into my life.

I've got about an hour and a half left in the night before I think about going to bed.
Not the best day for me, felt kind of sad, felt kind of sad actually, but I think it has more to do with the post effects of drinking...cause I'm really just not a sad type of person.
Obviously I need to stop drinking. Even beer, if drink to much beer, it can affect your mental well being.
Ye sure, it's fun while drunk, but it's when you come down from that drunkness where emotional or mood issues arise.

Oh well, I've got some evening left, what shall I get into?

And I no longer feel compelled to sacrifice myself, as in well being, as in whatever, for anyone, since no one would ever think of doing the same for me.
Other than my employer, I'm dead to the world, just a prop.

I've spent the last decade plus during holidays alone, while in my physical prime, I matter not to anyone, I don't exist, outside of work, I don't exist, no invites, nothing.
I'm just that solid person at work, that once work ends I stop existing to folks.

As such, I don't feel compelled to do anything for anyone, not even so called lose 'family', cause everyone ignored me in my prime, the last prime I'll have on Earth.

'good' or 'God', hmm

I'll do good to folks only if already in my lane of life, but will not go out of way or feel compelled to do anything that puts hardship on myself, cause self, this world has proven, is all I've got.

I think you get to a point in your life when you realize the only thing that can rescue you is the lottery

Not Jesus, not any of that relgious stuff can aid and comfort you physically outside of having lots of money.