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Post by Admin on Jan 29, 2024 15:52:55 GMT
I feel totally dead on the inside, this morning.
I'm sure it has to do with drinking...and maybe just a few other things as well, like my immediate future, or lack of.
Either way, I just feel dead, so far, today.
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Post by Admin on Jan 29, 2024 23:57:24 GMT
It's Monday  It's Monday, and I feel, oh so, not so good, morally that is. I drank beer yesterday, to much, and wow, today, it just shifted my mood. Alcohols no good for me anymore. It's almost like I want to die or something, cause I know it's not good, yet I drink anyways as a alternative to not being able to hide from my current reality. Everything changes as you age, your body handles booze differently than when younger, I know mine does. I just need to stop. So many are dying now, who are younger than me, yet I drink, at times, yet still in decent health. I need to stop drinking for my own sake. Drinking is making me make irrational decisions when drunk, obligations I can't afford, and making me shirk other responsibilities. Oh well, at least I haven't drank anything today, that's a start.
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Post by Admin on Mar 26, 2024 2:23:32 GMT
Odd how when used to drinking, then stop, even for a while after, you still wake up feeling like you're drunk, or should be.
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Post by Admin on Apr 4, 2024 0:48:01 GMT
I've been laying around, slushing around, all day, but must blame it on booze/beer from yesterday.
Wow, it really just messed me up, altered my mood, enthusiasm, outlook and more....just one bad drinking session can do that.
As you age, you never quite know how booze will hit you/effect your mood and body the next day.
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Post by Admin on Apr 7, 2024 2:08:27 GMT
My stomach feels a bit bloated, even though, when stepped on the scale, I've lost weight since been cutting way back on drinking.
I have a meeting on Tuesday, and well, I don't want to show up with that bloated alcohol face, cause this guy could change my life be letting me in the door (even though it's not free)
But I realize now, in life, it's about who you know and who you meet, more so than raw gifts and talents.
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Also, I lost my wallet, and had bank account shut down, so I sit here alone agonizing over the lost, while not being able to spend a dime until Monday, when I'll have to get new cards issued, and a new drivers license, and I still want that car I planned on getting today.
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How do I feel about cursing 'god'?
I don't feel no way at all about it, not at my age and stage, I'm sure lots of people do the same, but is it really god we're cursing?
We may think it's god we're cursing, but we're really just cursing the invented god of our own mind, who probably doesn't even exist.
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Post by Admin on May 8, 2024 15:22:28 GMT
Like a dern idiot, I drank yesterday evening and into the night.
When will I grow up??
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Post by Admin on Jun 13, 2024 22:24:04 GMT
Today has been totally defined by me drinking yesterday night...and it kicked my butt, for sure, kind of still is.
Is there any hope for me to ever totally stop drinking?...I hope so.
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Post by Admin on Jun 13, 2024 23:59:27 GMT
My brain is really all I got anymore, and if don't keep it sharp, I'm not going to be much good to myself going forward.
And drinking does anything but keep your brain sharp, that's for sure.
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Post by Admin on Jun 14, 2024 2:20:23 GMT
The only reason I'm not happy, or happier, is because of my own bad habits, like drinking.
This should be one of the happiest times in my life, for real, and the only person sabotaging my own happiness is me...due to drinking.
I mean I'm not like a hard 24/7 around the clock booze drinker, but when I do drink it messes with my mood in a bad way.
I've never drank, and then the next day felt better about myself and my life.
So why do I continue to drink beer (mainly beer, rarely liquor anymore, and when do in small amounts, like I'll sip liquor while drinking beer)
But in the end it doesn't matter, beer or liquor, it has the same effect on my physiological and mental health, joy and happiness.
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Post by Admin on Jun 14, 2024 2:22:27 GMT
It's like sometimes I'm just afraid to be happy, sometimes I don't even know what that means anymore.
For me, maybe it means getting organized and staying a top my bills, etc, and eliminating as many ugly surprises from my life that I can...that I can control, anyways.
Sometimes just getting happy makes me sad cause I know it won't last.
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Post by Admin on Jun 14, 2024 2:23:13 GMT
I think happiness, a part of it, for me, is also seclusion from having to live around people I want culturally nothing to do with.
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Post by Admin on Jun 14, 2024 2:55:52 GMT
Also, drinking just makes you look uglier.
When I go weeks without drinking, I just look so much better, my face that is.
The face seems to be a health barometer to your health, for some reason
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Post by Admin on Jun 15, 2024 21:07:40 GMT
Came really close today to bingeing, meaning going out and buying 2 4 packs of beer, and maybe 2 other single ones, and just drinking until sleep, but while doing things of course, within my place...doing things but not ever really focusing...and then wasting the next day sleeping it off...
I had a sudden change of mind...as was dressed, ready to head off to the store, I looked at self in mirror, and look decent, and realized I could look even more decent if stopped drinking so much, or at all period.
If I had looked ugly to self, probably would of just went and bought some beers, but I instead saw hope in my reflection.
And today's the type of day someone like me drinks...it's a long hot day, nothing particularly interesting going on. Alone and isolated within place, begin feeling a bit down after morning coffee where's off.
Well what better way to life your spirit than to start drinking, and pretending or just not caring that things may never work out. But then it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.
Oh well, at least for now, this moment, I resisted giving into the urge to drink, but how many times have I said or wrote that before.
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Post by Admin on Jun 26, 2024 22:08:58 GMT
On a non alcoholic health binge, as of late (barely two days, lol)
Ye, two days without drinking, big wow, but can already feel the difference in my energy level...I almost have to much energy, and I've been taking powdered non animal protein to help rebuild my tissue when I workout.
I was working out and drinking beer, no wonder my body started aching...cause after working out, body needs nurishment, but if drinking beer, you're urinating all the nourishment out of your body, and so body takes that nurishment from your joints, and other areas, so I've self corrected myself, for now...but again, it's only been a few days, if that.
I still have like 2 4 packs worth of unopened beer laying around.
I notice, when I just leave beer in place, I go longer without giving in, but when the beer not here, is when I go buy and drink it...very odd mind phycology.
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Post by Admin on Jun 27, 2024 21:58:32 GMT
Sometimes I wonder if I can sustain my happiness outside of getting drunk and having that 'just screw the world' mentality, while drunk or drinking.
But what's really occurring is the world is screwing me, I'm not screwing the world, whenever I get drunk.
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