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Post by Admin on Jun 11, 2022 10:47:01 GMT
I slept, but not sure if I rested.
Had lots of dreams, but remember none of them well enough to recount and share in a meaningful way.
Don't feel good or bad right now, I just know that I'm here, it's what a life without love will make you feel like, like you're just here.
Sometimes don't know what keeps me going.
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It's Saturday, and coming off of 3 long days of work, have weekend off.
It's like I feel happier when about to get off work, than I do when actually finally off work, then I just feel like 'I'm here', but that's it.
All symptoms of not loving anyone or being loved.
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Post by Admin on Jun 11, 2022 10:58:43 GMT
Ye, it's like i sit here this morning, after just getting up, and it's like I'm waiting for a or my soul or spirit, mood or personality, to enter my body. Cause right now, other than my eyes being open, I don't feel nothing, other than basic body elements. Its amazing what 3 days of bland lonely work can strip you of. My job is lonely, I work alone, then when I get off from the job, my regular life is the same way, most of the time I just deal with it cause I always have a plan, or fool myself into thinking I do, but I guess it's all about fooling the mind. If you convince self that things are always about to get better, change for the better, than it keeps your moral up. Religion or belief in a loving god use to serve that purpose in my life when younger, not really anymore though. Anyways the day is new, but I'm not, but doesn't mean I can't renew myself for the new day.  |
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Post by Admin on Jul 25, 2022 9:15:01 GMT
I guess it's morning time since it's still dark out.
How I feel right now is a way I don't ever want to feel again, but it's my fault, and it's a post alcohol type of feeling and reality.
Why am I even still drinking?
Even if it's just beer, I don't need it in my life anymore, I get stupid when drunk, I make promises to others I cannot keep, I reach out and talk to others I shouldn't, and I just waist a lot of time doing nothing, and then feel embarracced when it's all done and over.
It's absolutely no fun feeling how I feel right now, older, post drunk, and totally useless to myself and the world around me.
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About a month ago I was doing so well, exercising in the park, walking, jogging a bit, but then, I don't know, I fell back into my old ways, but not totally, but just enough to know I don't want to go back to the old ways of drinking beer whenever home and bored or feeling alone...it was a dead end before and it's a dead end now.
But sometimes you do need to hit emotional and physical dead ends, in order to say 'enough' to yourself.
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Post by Admin on Jul 25, 2022 9:17:42 GMT
Like a computer, I wish I could just plug self into a computer and reprogram myself to think differently, and maybe even wipe some memories away....not to many though, otherwise I'd forget I were me.
But I'd wipe away the memories of certain people maybe, past relationships, that I can no longer do anything about.
Certain people just don't need to be in our memories anymore after a while, in my opinion.
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Post by Admin on Jul 28, 2022 11:28:48 GMT
I had a decent 4 days off, I'm back into radio, sort of, and so preparing the show took majority of time up, but enjoyable time it was.
Now today, I have to return to be day job, and basically be reduced to a nobody.
What a contrast, such a contrast between being a entertainer on the radio and then switching back to being a nobody within a blue collar job.
It's depressing actually, and the people I work around are a bunch of visionless regulars.
Oh well, maybe one day things will be different and I can earn enough from other things to where I don't have to labor like a donkey anymore, I can only hope, for hope is what keeps us going.
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Post by Admin on Sept 6, 2022 11:37:58 GMT
It's one of those mornings I wake up, and kind of wonder why I'm even still here.. The fans are own, it's calm in my room, but it's like 'Why am I still even here?', I think to self. Starting to feel like a ghost. www.spreaker.com/episode/51147936 |
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Post by Admin on Sept 20, 2022 12:03:57 GMT
I wake up at times and can't believe I'm still here.
Oh how lopsided fate is to some or many.
Some are able to live lives that seem like dreams to others.
But if evil, I don't think one is able to enjoy a good life or dream, regardless how blessed they may seem to others.
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Post by Admin on Oct 6, 2022 6:02:23 GMT
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Post by Admin on Nov 19, 2022 13:11:59 GMT
Off to work now.
The day is here, the day has grabbed me.
We go through the motions, pretending that in the end things will work out, ye right.
Things don't even work out in the end for the wealthy, how much less for the working poor?
Oh well, at least 'pretending', does give one the mental energy to get up and out.
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Post by Admin on Dec 1, 2022 12:30:57 GMT
Avoid people, family or other, who arent there to help you prosper, and who only pay attention to you when they're the ones in need.
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Post by Admin on Dec 1, 2022 12:34:12 GMT
small space heater finally broke after all these years, the plastic knob.
I bought it probably over a decade ago, only use it a few months a year where I live, but it's been so reliable and cheaper than central heating.
It still works, the heating element that is, it's just the plastic knob finally stripped.
May or may not order a new one, sure does keep my winter heating bill low.
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Post by Admin on Dec 4, 2022 12:50:38 GMT
When you die, junk mail continues to flow to you, is why I don't even care about my mail anymore, it's all automated.
Also, Dave Ramsey, this idea you should pay off debt that's years old, says who?
You've got one life to live, do what's right for you, I mean if large firms, businesses, bit coin, ect, can walk away with millions, billions, bankruptcy, ect, than why doe small hourly wage people get guilted into paying back credit card debt, thus robbing yourself of retirement savings?
And it sickens me they way Dave Ramsey used scripture to guilt people into going broke to satisfy some God in the sky who's OK with drug cartel earning billions and sending their muffins to the best Universities ever paying cash.
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Post by Admin on Dec 9, 2022 12:16:23 GMT
If a male, and reach the age of 50, that's quite a feat in this world, and even in history.
But then it starts feeling like a borrowed time type of existence, at least to some.
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Post by Admin on Dec 9, 2022 12:19:39 GMT
My B-day was the other day, and not a soul on the whole planet said anything or even new.
Well, maybe one.
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Post by Admin on Dec 9, 2022 12:21:23 GMT
Well now it's time to get out of bed, get up, and serve the day.
The day is not going to serve me, rather I will simply be serving the day, until home again after a long shift at work.
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