|
|
Post by Admin on Apr 21, 2022 11:29:37 GMT
time to leave the sanctitiy of my own place and head out into this grungy world of industry, noise, rudeness, machines, greed, crime, accidents, tempers and more.
Oh, how wonderful.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on Apr 23, 2022 12:08:17 GMT
Carnival of souls  By far one of the dumbest scary movies ever produced, at least to me. I first saw this in one of those Walmart dvd movie bundles I bought years ago, and remember thinking how utterly dumb and stupid this movie was. It was like made in the 60's, the movie just always felt slow, dark and wet to me. Not dark as in scary dark, but dark as in just depressing, a depressing character and characters. The only character with life was a young man who shared a rooming house with that lady, he had spunk, other than that all the other characters seemed very flat, then add to that the black and white film. ================================== All that aside, sometimes as of late, I do feel like that lady in this movie, a ghost living among the living. As if I was suppose to move on long ago, but didn't, and don't realize it. In this movie that lady died in the beginning, in some drag race (although with her flat personality not sure what she was doing at some drag race) But she died, car plunged over bridge and she died, but film never lets you know that until the end. So throughout the movie the woman kind of stumbles around trying to find her place in the world, some days things make sense, other days they don't. And she's occassionally haunted by some strange old man who just shows up and stares. Again stupid, I mean if the man was there to let her know she was dead, why the hell didn't he just say so instead of stalking the woman like some serial killer? This movie was stupid, that being said the premise of the movie, minus the production, does kind of make sense to me. A person who has died, is dead to the world, but who doesn't realize it, and is why can never ever really fit in or make friends, or ect. I feel like that female character in this movie, as of late, for some reason. But my whole life has really kind of been like that. 
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 4, 2022 11:28:07 GMT
gotta step out into hell, in a few minutes, that would be the world of employment, job and work...just out there, doing things cause I have to, and not cause I want to, for a income.
We've all been brainwashed to think that a income derived life is normal...for who?
Anyways, I'll use the bathroom then grab my stuff and head out into the abyss.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 5, 2022 9:17:24 GMT
I'm amazed that I'm still here at times. I mean when look back at how many males pass away, or passed away, before I did, in history, it's amazing that I myself am still here and not just another statistic by now that society or medical would just chalk away. And I wouldn't be here, if wasn't as health conscious as I am, even during my drinking period, which now emerging out of, I still had a moderately healthy lifestyle. I should probably just have been another dead person, at the coroner, where no one shows up, I can see them zipping up the bag now.  Just packed away, forgotten, in a coronars vault, forgotten so quickly and remembered by none. Is probably why I write so much so that when am gone, at least thoughts will live on, for a while anyways. Need to start printing stuff out, but actually if print stuff out, when do die, it all gets tossed out, so maybe it's better kept safe online, I don't know. I need to create a will with passwords to all my writing so that it can be preserved or handed off to someone else with instructions to keep it all, to sustain it. Seems you only become famous when you did, it's only then that some folks begin to see the magnitude of your work. |
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 5, 2022 9:22:28 GMT
Anyways, I'm not gone and dead yet, and continue to be my own 'stat'. It's still morning and dark out, and I'm off today, so will lay back now and just 'think', and enjoy the morning stillness. I always have fans blowing in the background, which creates a breezy muffling effect, and insulates me, my world, from outside distant noises.  |
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 18, 2022 7:49:23 GMT
I always have this feeling that I should of been more, should of done more, but never had a social team around me to help me go anywhere.
And now that older, I realize yes, you do need a social team around you of like minded people. You cannot do it alone unless a natural recluse, or unless just like inherit so much money that you can afford to just hire a team of people to fake like they like you for the purpose of acheiving your objectives.
And knowing this, it's easy for me to get upset and angry at those who could of supported me but yet didn't, instead chose to ignore me in my prime.
To me, ignoring a person in their prime is the same as trying to kill them, when you ignore someone you're basically saying you want them dead or don't care if they're alive.
Not sure if I can forgive that, it's like they robbed me of a life, a life I imagined I could of had had just one person stuck by me.
Yes, I'm still here, but could of been so much more, but now I'm just here, alive, in decent health for my age, but ye, I'm just here now, and trying to deal with that.
I'm still a fighter, but at the moment relatively calm, probably cause I stopped drinking.
Since stopped drinking, and got rid of phone numbers, my outbursts are few and far between now.
-------------------------------------
Also, I don't really like, or love mankind anymore, it's hard to like and love anything or anyone you're never around.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 18, 2022 7:51:32 GMT
I don't care that people are racist or mean towards each other anymore, I have no steak in the game, no one to defend from being hurt.
I really could just care the less about all of it, again, I'm just here and have no steak in the game, never really had a steak in any game.
My reality is a odd one.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 18, 2022 7:57:34 GMT
I think also, my belief in 'god', in the distant past, always gave me a sense of destiny.
Always felt god was guiding me, and that belief gave me confidence, I guess.
And this may sound odd what I'm about to say, but I don't think I loved myself as much, when I was under the spell or cloak of religion.
I never really had to deal with self, when under the spell or cloak of religion.
Instead could just conviently blame all good and bad on god and the devil, as such it kept me very small.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 29, 2022 11:29:47 GMT
Sometimes I feel like I'm living off of fumes noww  Like that old saying 'Going on fumes', meaning out of gas, and car barely rolling just on gasoline fumes, rather than the gas itself. Well, that's how I feel at times, that I'm just going off of fumes, and not gas. And that's not good. The older you get, especially if just apart of the normal working class, you really need to give yourself a reason to keep going, and the sad thing is, if older and still check to check, even if are tired of it all, you still have to continue to work, basically either until you reach retirnment or until you just die on the job, or while off work, or get injured and hope you get insurance money. None of those options seem ideal. And the older you get and the less money you have the less you begin to matter to others, the less you matter to employees, the less you matter to everyone, period. Your only saving grace is if have a large, nuclear family beneath you, meaning you were in a good marriage and raised muffins that all like and love you, and they have grandkids that like and love you, then you're safe, cause they'll all swoop in to take care of you. But if have none of that, you're basically doomed, cause as soon as to old, sick or tired to pay rent, to bad, so sad, you're out on the streets. And living on the streets will be the conclusion to your life of hard work, and feeling patriotic, and doing your duty, in the end if will matter not, if can't pay your bills or rent. For myself, I just don't see a good ending. I do have one more option, a home or two that was given to me by parent but that wacky older sister co-owns with me and stores all their junk in. Well you know what, it may be time for me to act and get those places either sold or rented out. Cause to me the golden yours are while still young enough to enjoy life and move around, not when old and sickly. I may act on this soon, for years i stayed back cause didn't want controversy, but now, since have no relations with anyone, I may act. Cause no ones looking out for me, I'm just fading away bit by bit, with each passing day and year. I'm in this world alone, and need to do what's best for me now instead of always thinking I'll do what's notible for others, there is no others, and no one cares about me, it's a reality I must face now....not a single soul, out of billions, so much as cares about me, whether I wake up or die, I just don't exist to anyone, outside of showing up to work, I just don't exist or matter to a soul.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 29, 2022 11:42:58 GMT
My problem is I don't have that typical old person, old man, look about me, cause I'm tall and slim and keep in shape, and still have proper youthful stature, and I don't dress my age, whatever that means...I still wear athletic styled clothing, and hair is longer and more plush than most my age, so I don't look my age and so still get profiled as being 'bad' or a menace, like most guys do 1/3 my age, and so I don't get the respect I feel I should.
But that's societies fault, not mine.
Why should I make myself look old just to make other m/f's feel more at ease, f them.
Just goes to show that god is inside of no one, or people would know my heart, my intent, and they'd know I'm good by nature, but they don't.
Is why I hate going to retail stores, even now, cause always the same 'Oh, they must be in here to steal something', BS reaction from others.
I've never fit into any niche my whole life.
Suppose to be 'Black', but don't fit in with black folks, not embraced by white folks, cause don't have typical black person looks or demeanor.
Not embraced by women, black women don't like me, white women, if do, I can never meet the ones brave enough to break social lines.
Don't fit in with gay people, don't fit in with straight people, and now I don't fit in with my age catigory.
I've been a social misfit my whole entire life.
I've never fit into anything, always on the outside of it all looking in.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 30, 2022 11:48:31 GMT
Monday is here Monday is here, Monday has arrived, and so have I. What a miracle, to still be here, to still be around, to experience yet another Monday. The circumstances in my life are far from ideal, at least to me, but I still amaze at the fact that I'm still here, when so many who started this race of life with me are not. But yep, I'm still here, not sure why, just know I am. Had to clear patio of stuff, so now living room is cluttered. I have a pickup truck now, I should just take everything away, and just live in a totally empty place....I think that would give me a feeling of liberation.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on May 30, 2022 11:50:23 GMT
I envy those who can just wake up looking good without doing a thing to their face or hair.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on Jun 3, 2022 14:58:45 GMT
 Oh what shall I do today, get done, attempt to get done, on this Friday morning? My day to day life is no different than a squirrel gathering nuts, in the end it really adds up to nothing. For no matter how many nuts you gather, in the end it cannot alter fate, and fate dictates we all get older, weaker, and more feeble, regardless. So, in the mean time we gather nuts, to give ourselves a sense of purpose, even long after our purpose has expired. So, today, let's see what kind of nuts I can gather, just to give myself a sense of purpose. |
|
|
|
Post by Admin on Jun 3, 2022 15:00:16 GMT
First thing I can do is get dressed and go get some shoes that I ordered from Amazon that have arrived at a locker.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on Jun 10, 2022 10:26:50 GMT
Alarm clock volume was muted this morning by accident, that could of proved to be disastrous if I were super drowsy and didn't just wake up out of habit for work.
Oh well, up now, long work day ahead, but then have all the weekend off and then some.
Had a ton of dreams, none really worthy enough to share.
Oh well, time to get up and dressed.
And those Jan 6th hearings make me want to vomit.
I don't like it when people are mean and vindictive, and right now the government is filled with mean and vindictive souls.
Hearings?
What a waste of time and money, all that crap could be done behind the scenes instead of turning it into a TV production.
These hearings will not change my vote or perspective on anything.
|
|
