Monday is here

I feel like I'm emerging from hell, after yesterdays drinking



I literally feel like I'm crawling out of hell, a place I feel I've been since all of today do to my drinking yesterday night.

It's like I literally get possessed when I drink, and a spirit comes out of me and guides me to do and say things that when sober I would not. And or even go certain places that I doubt I'd go if sober, as in a LGBTQ club.
I went to one last night...nothing happened, didn't even really meet anyone, and was there for less than 15 minutes, but the fact that I went, is what's so eerie to me.

Cause bad things happen when you leave the sanctuary of your own home, for sure, especially when in party mode....you say stupid things, people take things the wrong way, violence can occur, or you can get in a wreck and more.

Prior to yesterday I was doing so well...and most of yesterday, until around 4 pm, when I started drinking beer...shame on me...I was sober for the previous 6 days.

I didn't even answer the phone today, didn't go into the 'studio' to learn anything, ignored my so called instructor, all because I drank to much yesterday.

Again, shame on me, and today I've been sealed off from the world, and phone is still off.

Hell has had a hold of me all day long...but I'll rebound, I garuntee you that....and lessons will have been learned, for sure...hopefully anyways.

It's Monday



It's Monday.
I worked out late yesterday evening in the dark, but woke up this morning feeling more like I had a hangover than that I had worked out the previous night.
Body chemistry is just weird like that.

Well, I'm going to workout again after this, why not, what else can I do with my anxioty other than workout.
Drink? Hell no, not right now, that would just make things worse, like putting your head in the sand.

Right now, the best thing for me to do is to stand up to reality and just face it 'as is', ugliness and all, just face it, get punched in the face by it.

People are ugly, the human condition is ugly.
The person who acts the nicest on the surface is ugly and harbors deep down or even surface biases and bigotry towards others.
There's actually no reason for Jesus to have died for anyone on this planet, we're just flesh, we age, get sick, and rot like all other lifeforms.

We manipulate truths and stories to fit our own needs, we are an ugly species, our natures are ugly, period.
---------------------------------

Heck, even people who claim to know Jesus are ugly and vile and bigoted and mean and scared on the inside and use 'Jesus' and the gospel to slay others.

Anyways, nothing much any of us can do unless lucky enough to be surrounded by friends and family that value you.

And with that, it's time to go work off some anxioty and workout for a bit.

Monday realities, my own



Monday realities, my own.
It's already 1 pm, wow, just been waddling around in the bed all morning and afternoon.

I fell off track last week...started drinking beer again, but have since stopped...(Hopefully)
I mean heck, I had some beer last night, but have since dumped remaining beer down the drain, it's time for me to get back on track.

Thankfully since I'm already in decent shape, I can recover a lot faster than if I weren't in shape....I even got in a short but decent workout this morning.

Anyways, I've got some work to do on my moral this morning.
I have no one to lift me up other than myself.

Anyways, it's Monday, all the corporate monsters are awake, calculators at work, repo people at work, bill collectors back at it, billing cycles restarted...everything ugly about society is awake and running again today on this Monday.

Don't be fooled by the hearts in the gif...I'm not really loving today, not even...not hating it either though, rather did my best to avoid it by laying with self in bed most of the day and by keeping all telecommunication devices off and or not responding to any, to include emails.

My current reality is that I don't know what's going to happen from week to week now...or where I could be living just a month or two from now, or where I'll be working, so yeah, lot's of uncertainty right now.

I just kind of melted today do to all the stress of it...and then people still want your money....schools, courses, this and that, but if go broke no one will give a dam about you...they don't now, but at least if they sense you have money they make you feel important.

Also, I think drinking, along with taking half dose V type pills, just kind of messed with my mood, or inner body chemistry...so I'm dry now, I need to clean out my system and get my mood and mind back.

After I post this, I'll create a 'to do list' and face all the media, email and texts, that I so tried avoiding earlier today.

I've never been more afraid of or weary of the future than I am now...I just literally don't know what's next or how I'll handle it.

I go through things alone, and so that makes it more scary...moving, alone, is scarier than moving with a friend or family or anyone.
Moving alone, all by yourself, can be horrifying....but you have to act brave for yourself.

Anyways, let me stop before I depress myself by thinking about it.

It's still Monday, weeks go by so quick now, seems like yesterday was also last Monday.
if I didn't keep track of the days on here it would all just be a blur.

Less than 1 minute left for Monday, so just want to post to tag this day forever...