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Post by Admin on Aug 7, 2024 0:57:54 GMT
I do believe it's Tuesday  I do believe it's Tuesday. What a odd day for me, internally. It all begins internally, and our internal mood is projected outward. That being said, all day I've kind of had a feeling of doom and dread. It may be because I drank Sunday night, was tempted to again this evening but settled on a Big Mac meal instead. Going to McDonald's satisfied my desire to go out and do something reckless.
I really didn't accomplish much today at all, just wasn't in the mindset to...just not. I mean if today's mood was do to my drinking on Sunday night, than wow. I've been trying to stop drinking altogether lately, which makes when I do drink have more of a bizzar effect on me. When your system is clean and you're healthy, that's when booze hits you the hardest. 888888888888888888888888888888888 Anyways, it's Tuesday...Kamala Harris has chosen a running mate, things in the middle east are heating up between Israel and everyone else, the Ukraine was continues on, Trumps running mate is JD Vance (bad choice)...stock markets not doing so well, interest rates are high, Boeing has a space capsule stranded in space at the space station. And the Olympics are in progress. And most importantly, I'm still an adult version of Charlie Brown, nothing but rocks in my bag.
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Post by Admin on Aug 12, 2024 16:10:21 GMT
Today, yuk Today, yuk...not sure what to do with it yet, nor am I prepared for it. Why can't time just sit still? I shouldn't of drank last night, but just felt lonely... I drink mainly out of loneliness, if at all anymore, but got to find a way not to feel lonely so I don't drink, cause drinking sucks, and is terrible for the body, mind and spirit. ----------------------- Have a phone meeting in a few hours, wish I could cancel it, and might. ---------------------- Anyways, time to get up...it's like I'm stuck between getting up and not wanting to. Sure, I'm up, but now what? Just not feeling today yet.
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Post by Admin on Aug 24, 2024 1:32:23 GMT
 Kind of sad and eerie to know that the room and space this gif was taken in no longer exists. Like watching a ghost from the past perform. |
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Post by Admin on Aug 25, 2024 14:55:56 GMT
It's Sunday It's Sunday.I just got done working out, short but effective, I'll workout again later today. -------------------------- On a side note, I notice those who screamed about Jesus to me the most, years ago, are all afflicted with medical issues now.All the ones telling me about nutrition, are now sickly...I don't get it. I was drinking hard during those years...as in working class drinker, meaning I'd drink when at home and on the weekends, yet went to the doctor on Thursday of last week, the 22nd of Aug, and got a clean bill of health, even my liver was in top tip shape...hmm.
I'm not saying drinking is good, cause it isn't, and currently I'm trying to stop, but I just find it ironic those who always say 'Jesus' every other word out their mouth, are the ones who I see getting sick, sickly, can't walk right, etc. I just find it a sham, a crutch, a mental condition, a sign or insecurity in their own salvation. That's why I left all that crap...I didn't leave God or being a decent person, I left the sharade of church types. It's like a competition with them, who can be the most Jesus like, or who can brag the loudest about how much their god blessed them. 'Oh, I was blessed 10 times'...'Oh yeah, well I was blessed 20 times', and so forth. ----------------------------------- Anyways, seems we're all afflicted in different ways, my affliction is in the form of social isolation. That being said, it's Sunday, I'm alive, still here, but other than that nothing is new under the sun.
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Post by Admin on Aug 28, 2024 19:02:34 GMT
Dull Wednesday My life is about to change again, in drastic ways, at least to me, meaning I'm gonna have to find work again soon, and may chose to move, and just more rearrangements that will make things quircky for a while. At my age I want peace and stability, but that can be hard to find if not rich and have to find some terrible job that places you around nasty personalities all day. Or some job that just sucks, period. Income earning for most, is so dern exploitive...period. Anyways, it's Wednesday, haven't done a thing today, drank yesterday evening. Drinking just has to much power over me...I get bored, or feel anxious, I want to drink. Lately I've been doing better at not drinking, but if not careful can easily slip back into that habit. ------------------------------- Time to hit the 'to do list', and see where it leads me. I don't feel like doing anything today....not even taking out the trash...just want to stay inside all day, that's what drinking does to you, it shrinks you. It's Wednesday, lord have mercy on my soul.
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Post by Admin on Aug 29, 2024 0:59:35 GMT
It can't be easy to be like this in Mexico, they're very brave, this clip is over a decade old
Very brave indeed, especially to do this in Mexico where toxic masculinity reigns.
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Post by Admin on Sept 5, 2024 20:36:16 GMT
Not having the best day, as far as my mood goes Not having the best day, as far as my mood goes. I think it's alcohol related, even though haven't drank since Tuesday night, but when I did, I acted a fool, rode my bike while drunk, and talked smack to people on the streets. And I tried one of those flavored, super bad for you, beer type of drinks.Not sure what they put in that stuff, but it's not regular type of drunk.  This is the type of beer, that if really young, and drank at a party, you'd get so nutty, and if attractive you'd allow yourself to be molested, or you'd start acting a fool and get beat up. There's just something unsavory about flavored beer drinks...I think they add some extra ingredients to them. I had just one, but after drinking a few cans of normal beer, but still...I think it's still effecting my mood and outlook. ----------------------------- Anyways, at least I did workout earlier today, and felt paranoid while doing so, as if I were being watched and followed by the person I confronted on the streets on Tuesday night. Then I came back in my _____, just to show off, and started cursing, not at them, but while talking to them. So childish and immature of me, but like I said above, I think it was that flavored beer that just hit me in a weird way. I don't know if my life's path will ever get better, I seem to be my worst enemy at times, but it's all primarily do to just being so alone all the time. When in a relationship and feel loved, you tend to reel yourself in...but when accountable to no one, you can act a fool at times, especially if and when drinking or drunk. Wow, I've written a lot...have other things to do, so I'll end it here, for now.
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Post by Admin on Sept 6, 2024 14:34:42 GMT
Yep, it's Friday alright Yep, it's Friday alright, and by gosh, I'm still here, some how, some way, I'm still here and still apart of this conscious stream. That being said, this morning got up and fried some eggs...I think it's the first time I've done that since my other apartment caught fire. The stove top oven I use now is out of wack. They heating elements are all dysfunctional, and only go super hot or off. And my a/c fan won't turn off, so have to turn the breaker off. Not sure how much longer I'll be here so haven't made any maintenance requests.
Took a late night walk last night, it was slightly raining, more like drizzling, had umbrella with me. It was a nice relaxing walk. I just can't come home and stay cramped up inside, I don't know how people do it, come home and just stay inside the whole time...not me, I gotta movie, walk, bike. Anyways, after this will groom, get dressed and go to the store and spend money. Then, who knows, I don't have the most exciting life...I'll probably study, and finish film school related stuff. Film school my azz, more like film sham, online course. I pay the salaries of others and in turn I get nothing...oh well. It's Friday, I'm here, so may as well live while alive.
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Post by Admin on Sept 7, 2024 20:35:43 GMT
What a out and right dismal day for me so far Just a dismal feeling day for me so far. I even worked out, took a decent bike ride, walked, and I still feel dismal.wow. Almost makes me want to drink, but then I'd really feel bad after the booze wore off. I never feel better after drinking, always worse. Anyways, the only thing that can save me today is the 'To do list'....otherwise I'll sit around doing absolutely nothing.
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Post by Admin on Sept 10, 2024 2:21:29 GMT
Stupid me had to go out and buy some Ding Dongs...
  The last thing I need is ding dongs late at night...but when walked past them in store, the other day, while drunk, I just couldn't resist. There's is not one single good nutritional value about ding dongs, none, zero, they're just pure sugary and chocolate bliss, or hell, depending on how you look at it.
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Post by Admin on Sept 11, 2024 23:09:53 GMT
Not having the best feeling day Not having the best feeling day, not even, not the worst, but not the best. I drank yesterday night, and paying the price for it today, sort of. I did manage to get in a workout at the park. If I wasn't already in OK shape, today could of been worse. Still though, I'm totally being lazy, my mind is lazy, I don't feel like doing anything. Don't feel like studying, reading, learning, nothing. I really would just like to be left alone. I could just see myself out in the desert somewhere getting stoned, and being all alone, like a personal retreat. That would be fun, although now days with all the immigrants crawling around everywhere, not sure how safe a open desert would be, heck, I could even get scooped up as an illegal immigrant, well, maybe not under this admin. Anyways, just sitting here wasting time, waiting for my motivation and drive to come back...maybe some coffee will help. Beer would be nice, but nah, with beer, comes old minor health issues...I've gotta stay on the sobriety track for my own sake.
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Post by Admin on Sept 15, 2024 23:41:54 GMT
I think this video deserves so many more views than YT allows it to get
This video is funny, it's playful, full of satire, and not woke.
Yet YT buries it.
It could rival anything in Hollywood, as far as entertainment value goes.
Sure, it kind leans more towards the 'Q' side or LGBTQ side of theater, but so what...it's a good cheaply made production and deserves way more views.
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Post by Admin on Sept 15, 2024 23:54:05 GMT
Anyways, once again I've managed to pretty much waste a whole day Anyways, I've pretty much managed to waste yet another whole day, which means tomorrow will 'waste me' as well. If don't plan for tomorrow, if not prepared for tomorrow, then tomorrow will spill your guts all over the place. Right now, I'm lost.
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Post by Admin on Sept 16, 2024 21:14:42 GMT
Who is the dizzy sissy?
Who is the dizzy sissy?
A clean, transpersona personality, that's who they are.
They live in a world where people project ugliness onto things they don't understand, and or assign attributes to others, that aren't correct based on their own inner impurities.
Anyways, just watch the short YT vid and learn more.
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Post by Admin on Sept 17, 2024 2:36:54 GMT
 Don't be fooled by the hearts in the gif...I'm not really loving today, not even...not hating it either though, rather did my best to avoid it by laying with self in bed most of the day and by keeping all telecommunication devices off and or not responding to any, to include emails. My current reality is that I don't know what's going to happen from week to week now...or where I could be living just a month or two from now, or where I'll be working, so yeah, lot's of uncertainty right now. I just kind of melted today do to all the stress of it...and then people still want your money....schools, courses, this and that, but if go broke no one will give a dam about you...they don't now, but at least if they sense you have money they make you feel important. Also, I think drinking, along with taking half dose V type pills, just kind of messed with my mood, or inner body chemistry...so I'm dry now, I need to clean out my system and get my mood and mind back. After I post this, I'll create a 'to do list' and face all the media, email and texts, that I so tried avoiding earlier today.
I've never been more afraid of or weary of the future than I am now...I just literally don't know what's next or how I'll handle it.
I go through things alone, and so that makes it more scary... moving, alone, is scarier than moving with a friend or family or anyone. Moving alone, all by yourself, can be horrifying....but you have to act brave for yourself. Anyways, let me stop before I depress myself by thinking about it. It's still Monday, weeks go by so quick now, seems like yesterday was also last Monday. if I didn't keep track of the days on here it would all just be a blur. |
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