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Post by Admin on Jul 10, 2024 10:17:40 GMT
For so many years, lust was my biological inspiration.
Wanting to have sex with other people, is what inspired me.
Remove lust from the equation, and well, it's much harder to find inspiration.
Just being honest, something most are not.
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Post by Admin on Aug 28, 2024 22:54:44 GMT
Lust inspired most men when young, and I think Viagra, etc, can inspire men again when old.
Once you lose lust for those around you, the fun of life just kind of fades, at least if you're single...
But probably if married as well.
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Post by Admin on Sept 13, 2024 3:07:46 GMT
I'm going to let go, be free, and just enjoy my health...what else can I do?
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Post by Admin on Sept 14, 2024 0:12:15 GMT
 Anyways, I think it's time to create a 'to do list', cause I've wasted a combined 90% of today and yesterday doing absolutely nothing but over thinking stuff. I doubt I'll drink anything tonight, drinking can't save me anymore. And I took some _____ _____, didn't do a dern thing for me in the way I thought it would, if anything it messes with your mood...will toss them all away. But in all seriousness, I have no idea what the next step of my life will be, or what it should be. I've been unemployed for the last 7 months taking online classes, and now that's over and I scan employment ads and just get utterly turned off at the idea of becoming a labor slave again. Hourly wage never makes anyone rich or wealthy, hourly wage is a big waste of your time on energy on earth. I mean may as well just start your own business or collect aluminum cans than work some hourly wage job, unless of course you enjoy what you do and the people you work around. My trade, not so much anymore. Anyways, I should stop feeling sorry for myself and try to create a better future for myself. and I don't like where I live anymore...I really just want to up and move. But with Biden flooding the nation with millions of illegal immigrants who aren't accountable to anyone, all the small cozy towns I used to want to move to are probably different now, prices have probably gone up, no vacancy, etc...crime, litter. When poor, what future do you really have... Let me stop before I start depressing myself. Time to do something, anything. |
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Post by Admin on Sept 14, 2024 18:33:48 GMT
It's Saturday When life just starts coming at you hard from all directions, what do you do? Hardship doesn't care if you surrender...nor does evil. Evil never stops until you're dead, evil will never stop trying to drain you of your sanity until you're dead and gone. So, what do ya do in the meantime, fight? To fight, you have to have motivation...love, or even maybe a sense of revenge can help one fight back, I suppose. But if just you, alone and isolated, alienated, then what? Anyways, it's Saturday, laid in bed most of the morning, in and out of sleep tormenting myself with my 'mind monster'. I think most monsters live in our minds, so does god, heaven, hell, demons, and just about everything else that constructs our own personal realities. Anyways, it's Saturday, I have stuff to do. Things could change drastically for me here soon, hopefully for the better. I'd like to be settled before the full blunt of winter hits...meaning if I'm going to move, would rather do so soon while the weather is still somewhat moderate in most places.
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Post by Admin on Sept 26, 2024 4:34:15 GMT
Sometimes oldness does get to me in that I'll get in moods now and then where nothing matters to me anymore.
There's only one other person on this planet who remotely even still cares about me just a little.
When they're gone, I'll have absolutely nothing or no one to fall back on emotionally or any other type of way.
Is that all I have to look forward to going forward, is a time when I'll actually be more alone than I am now.
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Post by Admin on Sept 26, 2024 4:35:36 GMT
When that persons gone, I just won't have any reason to care about what happens to me after that...nothing will matter anymore.
That's one time period where I probably shouldn't drink, for sure.
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Post by Admin on Sept 26, 2024 4:37:17 GMT
Right now, I just pretend that a few care about me, as a way of keeping myself sane...again, I pretend...but in reality they don't.
If I don't call or reach out, they don't.
I'm under no false illusions...but to keep yourself sane and functioning you have to pretend that you matter to others, but I really don't.
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Post by Admin on Oct 9, 2024 0:31:11 GMT
I feel like I'm basically doomed.
Doomed can mean different things to different people.
To me, at this stage of my life, being doomed is that day I finally realize and recognize that none of my aspirations or dreams will come true...and that all that blabbering 'We all have a purpose' stuff, just never applied to me.
I have no purpose, other than the money I spend.
I matter to no one, haven't for decades.
I'm just here, fooling myself, convincing myself that there's more, that I was meant for more..yeah, OK.
Also, being alone will give you a different perspective about others, yourself, God, nation, society and more, that when always with someone or romantically paired, you don't get.
Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather be in a healthy relationship with another, paired, and not know what I know now, than to know what I know now and be alone.
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And that aside, truth is, is that if I haven't gotten it right by now, I never will...that's the fact Jack.
But of course, I can't allow myself to feel that way or I'd emotionally crumble, crack, so like most, I continue to feed myself a hopeful dream, just as a way of keeping my moral up.
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Post by Admin on Nov 8, 2024 2:30:34 GMT
I ended up taking that bike ride after allI ended up taking that bike ride after all, so glad I did. I need to recapture the enthusiasm and vigor I had all throughout the summer, and the hope that drove me. I want, need, that 'me' back...that happy me, no matter the odds, always happy and putting a positive spin on things, that's the me I really do need right now. I need the me that's both mentally and physically fit, for my age, and I need the tough me. I need a lot of me's right now to be frank, but just the positive sides. =============================== Where I stay, it's still relatively warm at night, so able to walk or bike even after dark. In fact, I was wearing shorts and a muscle shirt, and almost sweating. Anyways, that's just the first step on rebuilding myself up. If fit and confident, I can handle anything, it's when I start drinking, again, and become lazy, and paranoid, and sad and depressed, is when the world becomes to much for me to handle. 
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Post by Admin on Nov 11, 2024 5:52:59 GMT
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